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Wednesday, April 25, 2007

Better Than Sex...More Often Than Not

If you’ve only ever heard about the blatant immaturity of Red Sox fans and have never had the privilege to cross one’s path, let me introduce you to Paul “Firtzy” Fitzgerald, host of “Fitzy’s Wicked Pissah Webcast,” a semi-monthly Boston sports webcast. Though I’ve never met him, and though he needs a little work on his product placement, I couldn’t be more proud than to call him kin as a member of the beloved Red Sox Nation.

This is Fitzy’s webcast from April 24th recapping, point-by-truthful-point, the Sox first home sweep of the Yankees in 17 years.

I always thought “Stay classy, Planet Earth,” would rest as my favorite sign off of all time, but thanks to Fitzy, I now know I was wrong.

I would marry this man.

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Tuesday, April 24, 2007

Fun with Probability and Statistics!

Stop me if you’ve heard this one before: a Red Sox consultant, a professor of mathematics at Boston College and the associate dean for academic affairs at San Diego State sit down to calculate the probability of hitting four consecutive home runs in the majors.

First they start with the ratio p=the total number of home runs hit in the majors, divided by the number of plate appearances. You then multiply p to the fourth power, because it’s four consecutive home runs, see. And then what you do is…you know what? You finish it, I’m going to get a beer.

Via Boston Sports Media Watch.

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Monday, April 23, 2007

NFL Put to Shame by a Girl an Old Woman

I’d like to congratulate 54-year-old Deana Jarrett who is shattering all kinds of glass ceilings in the state of Washington.

Jarrett was arrested April 11th for drunken driving after two car crashes and a registered 0.47 blood-alcohol content – a state record that is also commonly referred to as “nearly six times the legal limit.” But what I want to know is where the hell is the NFL on this one?

How many times do I have to stress: it’s not how many arrests you compile, it’s the manner in which you get arrested. Quality over quantity, people. This woman is making a mockery of NFL players and I, for one will put up with it no longer. Hell, Seattle’s (former) own Jerramy Stevens could only pull off a 0.204!

Go hard or go home, is what I say.

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Thursday, April 19, 2007

Most Awesomest Movie Ever

Because of Will Ferrell’s great contributions to the worlds of NASCAR and male figure skating, I felt compelled to post what is probably one of his top 5 movies of all time. Ladies and gentlemen, this video stars Farrell, the director of Talladega Nights Adam McKay, and McKay's daughter as The Landlord:

Don’t think that I won’t be teaching my two-year-olds to say things like “bitch” and “asshole.” It just sounds so much cuter at that age.

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Not as Hard as it Looks, I Swear

I've done this. While blindfolded. And I was only four. But for some reason the international world of football (because you use your feet, see) is making a big deal of 19-year-old Lionel Messi's goal against Barcelona in the Copa Del Ray. Whatev. Judge for yourself.

Thanks, With Leather!

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Horses: Just Like Humans!

That fine line between man and beast is getting thinner and thinner with each passing concert. Apparently humans aren’t the only ones who need to get stoned to sit through a Stones concert.

The Rolling Stones are performing at the Hippodrome in Belgrade on July 14th. The problem is that a group of “performing horses” (whatever that means) are housed at the stadium. Directors want to make sure the animals can suffer through the show, so they’re getting them high.

Says director Jovanka Prelic, “We are not too worried…they survived NATO bombings so I guess they will survive the Rolling Stones.” Don’t be so sure, Jovanka.

“In any case,” she continued, “we will give them drugs to make sure they do not get too upset.” Lucky stupid horses.

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Wednesday, April 18, 2007

Kickball: A Love Story?

If Dodgeball was the true underdog story, than Kickball would be consideredthe true love story. At least, that’s according to the World Adult Kickball Association.

I can’t guarantee that the people involved are good looking or even good at kickball, for that matter, but when I read the story, I must admit, Ished a tear threw up in my mouth a little bit. You can read stories like that of Meryl Florance and Dusty Hughes, which left Meryl saying, “Thank God for kickball!” (I didn’t make that up)

Regardless, some of these people are married and I’m not. So who is the real loser?

Wait, that's not funny.

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Tuesday, April 17, 2007

“America Does Not Understand the Rest of the World”

These are the words of Russian magazine reporter Oleg Kotlyarevsky (just sound it out) after hearing the wrong Russian National Anthem played for women’s Boston Marathon champion Lidiya Grigoryeva.

The Boston Athletics Association played the version of the Russian anthem that was used from 1996-2000, when the lyrics were rewritten. Most of the disgust stems from the fact that this was a mistake first made in 2003. But give us a little bit of credit:

A.) Grigoryeva didn’t even notice the difference herself, so how do you expect us to notice?
B.) Maybe Russia should get things together so its anthem doesn’t change so often, and
C.) As Homer Simpson said: “Just because I don’t care doesn’t mean I don’t understand.”

They should just be glad they're not Canada, I don’t even think we have their anthem on file for the race. At least Russia won, right?

Via The Fanhouse.

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Thursday, April 12, 2007

Granny Basketweaving ball.

Honestly, old women can’t even drive, so what makes them think they belong on the basketball court? Good god, they can break a hip walking from the bed to the couch. And yet, they are still allowed out without their walkers.

Please note rules 1 and 2: No running. No jumping. And pretty soon, no dribbling or passing.

Thanks to Matt, who I'm always stealing stories from.

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Wednesday, April 11, 2007

The Rumor Mill

The latest rumor going around is that LA Laker Luke Walton and everyone’s favorite bald, divorced, mother-of-two Britney Spears are trying to set a date for, well, a date.

I was trying to ignore this story, but it just won't go away. And let's be honest, all the evidence is there: she wore his jersey to a game, people! Heck, if that’s not reason to believe in a relationship then I guess that means I'm not dating half of the Red Sox starting lineup.

Regardless, “sources” are telling the ever-credible Daily Star that the two would make perfect partners because Britney is “fresh out of rehab and Luke…is on the wagon during his team’s run-in to the NBA play-offs.” Ah, yes. Nothing spells true romance like forced sobriety.

Via The Fanhouse.

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Women's Rowing Team Rescued from Freezing River

Five members of a women’s rowing team from the University of Scranton were rescued from the Susquehanna River in Pennsylvania this morning. One of several boats in the estimated 42 degree water capsized between 6:30 and 7am. The women were pulled from the water by members of the men’s team and rushed to the hospital where they were treated and released for hypothermia.

Honestly, I've never fully understood why women even attempt athletics half of the time. You certainly didn't see the men's boat capsize. And what if the men hadn't been there? Would these women have even known to swim to shore? Doubt it.

Thank goodness women have men to right the world. Especially men like Rulon Gardner, who can even save his own life.

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Christie Brinkley is a Blogger

Since the sheer excitement of hockey itself can't get anyone to tune in, the NHL has turned to the next best thing: former models. That’s right: Christie Brinkley is now blogging for NHL.com. So those of you who don’t want to

a.) watch the NHL playoffs, or
b.) look at pictures of former models,

I'm sure you’ll want to read what a former model has written about the NHL playoffs. You won’t want to miss gems like: “They’re doing the most amazing things and they’re on the slippery ice doing it!”

Don’t get me wrong: I’m not saying a pretty face can’t write (I do it all the time, afterall), I just don’t see why she gets the big platform and I’m stuck with no money and no Cover Girl deal.

Whatever. Who wants to read what a girl writes, anyway.

Via With Leather.

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Monday, April 9, 2007

David, Meet Goliath.

When we picture an Australian rugby player, I kind of assume he looks something like this. So when he suffers a season-ending injury, I expect something colossal; like in the case of “hulking South Sidney Rabbitohs forward David Kidwell.”

Kidwell has played rugby for 10 years and is even considered one of the toughest forwards in Australia’s National Rugby League. And at 29-years-old Kidwell suffered his first knee injury by possibly tearing ligaments when he fell awkwardly to avoid crushing his two-year-old daughter during a game at an Easter barbecue.

“Playing 10 years of first grade and no knee problems and something like this happens at home,” said Kidwell. “That’s definitely my season. I’m pretty shattered.” But, thank goodness, his little girl isn’t.

Read more!

Sunday, April 8, 2007

A Very Happy Easter to You, Martin Strel

I'm honestly not sure if Slovenian Martin Strel celebrates Easter, but it was his first day off in 3,272 miles, so it must have been nice. Strel completed his swim of the Amazon River on Saturday, setting the new world record for distance…for the fourth time.

So what kind of perils did Strel face? Delirium, dizziness, vertigo, high blood pressure, diarrhea, nausea, cramps, dehydration (which must have been frustrating, what with it being a swim and all) and abrasions. Add to that the piranhas, bull sharks, toothpick fish and the larvae infections and I'm pretty confident this is something I'd never attempt.

To combat any illness, Strel made sure to consult his doctor who was promptly ignored when he told Strel to stop swimming. Regardless, congratulations on your nine-week, 50-mile-a-day swim. Happy Easter.

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Friday, April 6, 2007

Don Imus Knows Sports

And he knows only cute girls should win games. I, for one, fully agree. I’m cute. I mean really cute. And my volleyball team was always winning. Much like the Lady Vols, who won Tuesday’s NCAA championship (for the seventh time, mind you) over Rutgers 59-46.

In his “Imus in the Morning” show Thursday, Don referred to the Rutgers women’s basketball team as "nappy-headed hos." And let’s face it, some of them have tattoos, people. If that’s not a losing team right there, I just don’t know what is. Like Imus says, the Tennessee girls are much cuter and, I certainly believe, more deserving of the national title. Not because of any superior athletic ability. That would just be ridiculous.

Another guy on the show even said that the game was like “the jigaboos versus the wannabes.” Ha ha. Old men are funny.

Via The Fanhouse.

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Thursday, April 5, 2007

She Should Live in New Jersey

I have got to get myself to Alabama. Where else would a woman get charged with a DUI on her horse?

Melissa Byrum York, 40, was driving her horse down the road when officer John Seals tried to pull her over. Instead of complying, she rammed the police car with the horse, rode away, and in a deft maneuver, got her foot caught in the stirrup when she tried to jump to the ground. Her DUI comes after Seals found her in possession of crystal meth, marijuana, pills and a small pipe.

Other charges include drug possession, possession of drug paraphernalia, resisting arrest, assault, attempting to elude police (deftly, mind you) and (PETA will be pleased to know) cruelty to animals. As of Tuesday, there were no records indicating that York has a lawyer. Might I suggest Attorney James Porfido?

As for the horse, police chief Brad Gregg says it wasn’t in the best of health, but it’s still alive.

Read more!

Wednesday, April 4, 2007

Grueling Tryouts, I'm Sure

Can you guess from the above photo which girl won’t be making the San Diego Chargers cheerleading squad? I can.

Now, I haven’t had to technically “try out” for a sport in about 10 years, but when I last played volleyball our practice uniform consisted of black spandex, a gray tee, and our various protective equipment (knee pads, etc). The San Diego Charger Cheerleaders, however? Underwear.
Granted, if I had a body like these chicks I’d shovel snow in their outfits, but then again I wouldn’t expect feature-length coverage of my snow removal in the San Diego Union Tribune either.

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A Whole New Meaning for "Fantasy Team"

If there’s one thing I’m proud of, it’s women who want to really raise the bar for fair-gendered athletics. Take the women of the Pillow Fight League, for example, who just sold their worldwide television rights to producers Eddie October and Al Berman.

So what exactly is the PFL, according to October and Berman? Well, “the roster of players boasts a slew of attractive females, many of whom compete with skimpy uniforms.” Ooooooh, so you mean, like, the anti-WNBA.

Don’t worry though, these are real fights. None of that fu fu WWE stuff. And thank goodness for that, because these women certainly wouldn’t want anything to draw attention away from the athleticism involved.

The Pillow Fighting League’s motto is “Fight like a girl,” which should be easy because it’s based in Canada where, frankly, everyone fights like a girl.

Via The Fanhouse

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No Bush at the Playboy Mansion? Pfft!

Fear not, fellow red-blooded American fans of Bush. I apologize for any concern I caused yesterday by perpetuating the rumor that Bush is banned from the Playboy Mansion. What was I thinking? Bush will always be welcome, even encouraged, to make appearances at the estate. Bush has a lot of fans and, dare I say, a lot of people go to the Mansion expecting, nay, hoping to see Bush. Hefner is not one to deny his guests what they come for, and I’m sure Bush is at the top of that list.

So again, fear not. As long as Bush keeps a clean image, I’m sure there will be many years ahead filled with Bush sightings at the Playboy Mansion.

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Tuesday, April 3, 2007

Loop Hole Found in Drunk Driving Charges

Note to self: if you’re going to drink and drive, use a zamboni.

New Jersey Superior Court Judge Joseph Falcone ruled Monday that the four-ton machines aren't motor vehicles despite being motorized and, in fact, vehicles. Because they cannot go on highways or carry passengers, the judge ruled that John Peragallo is innocent of 2005 drunk driving charges when he was caught operating a zamboni with a .12 BAC.

The 64-year-old Peragallo’s lawyer calls the ruling “a vindication” for his client, who’s only crime was having a shot of Sambuca and two valium pills with his breakfast. Justice has been served.

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A Saint Only In Name

Thanks to The Fanhouse via the Wizard of Odds for this one: Seems that Reggie Bush is no longer a welcome face at the Playboy Mansion. According to LA Daily News reporter Scott Wolf:

Our spies tell us former USC tailback Reggie Bush is persona non grata at the
Playboy Mansion because of a conduct violation. And no, it was nothing
involving a playmate.

Kind of a let down for everyone, really. No juicy playmate-groping story for us and, well, anytime Fred Durst is welcome over you, that’s just gotta suck. Maybe it was really Ralph Macchio’s fault or some other Entourage joke. I don’t really watch the show.

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Monday, April 2, 2007

It's a Festivus Miracle!

We’re not even an hour into the Opening Day and A-Rod already has his first error. On his first play of the season. A pop-up in foul territory and he botches it. Jeter has an error as well but it was probably A-Rod’s fault.

Prediction: Rodriguez will not finish the season in Pinstripes.

Meanwhile, Susan Waltman just said that A-Rod steals bases when it's important. That's a complete fabrication: A-Rod never gets on base when it's important.

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Trump Never Would Have Won It

I know you’ve been fretting because I haven’t been around. And in all honesty, that doesn’t surprise me. It always causes some concern when I just fall off the face of the earth. But, hey, that’s life when your day job wants to give you, like, work and stuff. So while others get to sex it up in Atlanta, I’m going to come back to you, hopefully with a vengeance, live from cold, damp New York City and provide you with wholesome sports entertainment goodness. You know what they say, right? When the cat’s away its employees mail it in for the whole week. So here we go!

Let’s kick off the morning late afternoon with a quick update on that whole “will Donald Trump shave his head” question. The answer, sadly, is no. We’ve got many comb over-filled years left.

I truly thought I had it all figured out: Trump wanted a way out from under his famed hairdo and what better way to go about it than by making money? It would pan out to be a win-win situation. Shockingly, and for the first time ever, I was incorrect. Trump’s rep Bobby Lashley defeated Vince McMahon’s Umaga. McMahon is now bald. And with hindsight being 20/40 (I’ll never fully understand the draw of the WWE), I can see why Trump never would have won. From wrestleview.com:

After the match, Vince McMahon had a shocked look on his face. Austin then grabbed McMahon and threw him back in the ring. Shane attacked Austin from behind, but Austin was able to overcome it and take out Shane with a Stunner. We then see a shot of McMahon crawling on his knees around the ring towards the ramp. Austin raises the hands of Trump and Lashley in the ring. McMahon then smiles as he has escaped up the ramp. Lashley then leaves the ring and grabs McMahon. Lashley puts McMahon on his shoulder and throws him back in the ring. Austin gives McMahon a Stunner and they put McMahon in the barbers chair. McMahon screamed he didn't deserve this as they tied him down. Trump and Lashley then started shaving McMahon's head as Austin held him back. After they shaved a good portion of it off, Trump and Lashley put shaving cream on his head and shaved it even more with razors. Austin stayed in the background drinking a beer watching the shaving go down. McMahon cried out that they would all pay for this. Lashley then got a mirror and showed McMahon his new bald head. McMahon then fell off the chair in disgust. McMahon left the ring and walked up the ramp upset as Austin drank beer with Trump and Lashley. Austin then gave Trump a Stunner! Austin smiled after he did this to the delight of the crowd in Detroit.

There is no way Trump would have put on a show like that. I’m surprised he could even mask his disgust of cracking a beer. Oh well, Trump without a comb over. The prospect was nice while it lasted.

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